Goodbye 2018: The Year of Grief, Success and Growth

Goodbye 2018: The Year of Grief, Success and Growth

I've tried to keep my private life as private as possible when it comes to what I blog about, I can't really describe why. I don't know if it's because I'm someone who likes to hide my feelings away and play miss sunshine all the time or whether it's because I don't want to bring attention to the bad parts of life or maybe it is because I want my blog to be a happy place. I write a lot of blog posts from the heart, about personal things, grief, unhappiness, you name it, it is most likely in my drafts. I find writing therapeutic, there are two things I do when I become engulfed in my emotion; I write about them or I listen to music that feels what I am feeling, it's my coping mechanism I suppose you could say. I'm not one to share my feelings, I never want to bother people with my feelings, so when my emotions begin to bubble I lock myself away with my laptop and my headphones and I let it out, but lately I've wanted to open up a little more and I guess it is a result of the past year. 

2018, the year of grief, success and growth. So 2018 has been a weird one for me. It was the first year we will begin and end without my beautiful nephew. My nephew, Aaron was born with a terminal illness and passed away at the age of four last May. After he passed, it was hard, very hard, my life, my family, the world changed for me. I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and so I applied for a masters degree, I threw myself into achieving a distinction, I went to university every single day almost, when I wasn't at university I was doing university work. I never wanted my mind to be empty, if it was empty I'd overthink, I'd realise what was happening in the world, that he wasn't here and I'd break down. I told myself I did it for him, I went out to achieve a masters because I wanted to succeed in life for him because he never got the chance, and yes, it is partly true, I still want to do well in life because he never got to, but I was lying to myself. I did my masters because I couldn't accept the pain, I wanted a distraction, by focusing on university 24/7 my mind never got a minute to think about anything else. 

Goodbye 2018: The Year of Grief, Success and Growth

I finished university in April/May of this year, handed in my dissertation in August. Then came the hunt for a job, my mind continued to stay busy, little did I know, my mind was about to go blank. I got a job, a job I adore with people I adore and from nine until five every evening my brain is buzzing with content plans, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and office jokes, but once I get home at 6pm, suddenly there is nothing to do. There are no essays to write, no work to bring home, I have all of this free time, then I have 48 hours of a weekend where I am free to do whatever I please. A whole year and five months after my nephew's passing suddenly I was smacked in the face with the grief I had been pushing away. That's not to say that I didn't grieve all that time, of course, I did, but not in the way it has hit me recently. Filing away all my grief, my upset, my hurt into that little box for all those months made it explode and suddenly I am a tonne more emotional, not just in the way I grieve but in everything, I cry at everything from adverts to poems to Instagram captions. 

I was suddenly overcome by how short life is, by how important happiness and love are and by how nothing in life is ever guaranteed. I find myself thinking about my nephew a lot and as much as I cry, I am happy because I experienced him, his beautiful presence, his inspiring life and not many people can say that. I cry a lot, probably more than normal, but I guess that's what you get for pushing your feelings away for so long. I am happy to be sad because I am alive and I can feel. I am 22 years old and I hopefully have an entire long-winded future ahead of me, but I also may not and that's bloody scary, but it also means that I should be happy while I can, I should feel while I still can, I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to cry over boys who are too dumb to see how bloody fantastic I am because I want to live, I want to live for Aaron, I want to succeed and travel and fall in love and enjoy my life because I know that every second of it he will be there, maybe up there in that place people call heaven or maybe just in my heart, but he's there and he's going to experience it all with me, every smile, every tear, every scream, every emotion that life can possibly give me because life is so precious and beautiful and I only wish he could have experienced more of it. 

Goodbye 2018: The Year of Grief, Success and Growth

It's been one hell of a year, I have tried to deal with the grief as it comes, but it can be overwhelming at times, I put on my brave face, I cry myself to sleep at night and I let it run its course because I want to grieve forever, I never want there to be a day that goes by when I don't think of Aaron and the love, light and inspiration he brought upon this world. I will carry my grief with me forever, but I will also be happy and succeed because I know it's what he would want because I know he is rooting for me. So, what does 2019 hold for me? I have no clue. Maybe I will fall in love, maybe I will win the lottery, maybe I will be hit by a bus, who knows? I mean let's all hope that last one won't happen, but no matter what happens I want to be happy, I want to be surrounded by people who cheer me on, who believe in me, who I connect with. I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to lose sight of my big picture, I don't want to rush into anything either, I want to always trust my gut and trust that my guardian angel has my back like he has this past year. He was there for me getting my distinction and he was there for me getting my wonderful, wonderful job, so I know he has my back and I trust him to lead me to happiness. 

I've always been an ambitious person, I've always wanted to be successful and do amazing things with my life, it's why I've always worked so hard because I am ambitious and I want to make something of myself. I never want to be someone who relies on others for anything, I am often told I am too stubborn and independent. I want to make my own future, I want to make my own money and buy myself a treat every now and then, so I work hard. Sometimes that hard work pays off and this year I got a job working in a wonderful social media marketing agency. I felt like everything I had been working towards was suddenly beginning to pay off in some way. It's hard for me to describe this year, to talk about it, decide whether it was good or bad because it was both, at different times and at the same time. I feel like I am a completely different person than the one who entered this year. I've grown in so many ways, I have taken control of my emotions in ways I can't even understand myself, I have succeeded in life and made moves towards becoming the person I want to be. I have grown in confidence, I am starting to become happy in just being me, I am learning that yes, I have my bad habits and my flaws, but I am also really quite funny, I'm intelligent and I am so much more than those annoying quirks or the visible flaws that bug me so much.

So, if I could summarise 2018 in one word it would be growth, the year of growth and I am very excited for 2019 and all the wonderful wonderful opportunities it holds. Where will I be this time next year? I don't know, I literally have no plans for what I want to happen in 2019, but I am ready to take on another year. To live my life to the best of my ability to do everything Aaron never had the chance to, for both him and I.

I usually ask a question here, but I don't even know what I would ask, but if you are ever going through a tough time and need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to get in touch. Whether we've spoken before or not, email me or find me on social media: 

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