Soft to Be Strong

I Don't Want the World to Turn Me Hard
I'm not someone to share my life on the internet, which is weird right, after all, I call myself a blogger (even though this is my first blog in 2020... oops), but I am pretty private. I always thought it was because of just that, I am a private person, but maybe it's more. Maybe I am scared of people seeing me differently. I struggle with emotions, which is a pretty weird thing I guess, I struggle to show emotions or express them or to admit I even feel them, it's bonkers, right? I mean if I didn't have emotions I would be a sociopath, but for some reason I see emotions as weakness and not just the "bad" emotions, the good ones too. I struggle to be affectionate with those I care about the most, which often leads them to question my feelings towards them, which I hate.

I don't really know why I am like this, it's not like I have ever been told this is true. I think it's because I want to appear "strong" to people and on some weird level to me being strong is being disconnected, not letting anything phase you, being obnoxious to some degree. I took the "sassy" thing too far at some point and now I just look like I have no feelings, which is not true at all. In fact, I am incredibly soft and sensitive but I only really allow a select few people to see that side of me and by a select few I really mean a select few, as in less than 3 people. I think if I am cold, if I am cocky and stand-offish and don't express how I feel or share my emotions with people that they won't be able to hurt me, but that's so so dumb because despite my exterior I am soft and I feel, I feel strongly about well everything. I am an all or nothing type of person, I never feel or do anything half-heartedly I am either all in or not at all, so isn't it so dumb to expect not to ever be hurt? by people, situations, life? 

I mean take my job for example, I bloody love my job. I am in the minority of people who can truly say that and mean it. I love what I do, I am passionate about my job, I love the opportunities it gives me and I adore each and every person who I work with, but I "quit" a lot. Yes, it's an on-going joke, a laugh and my boss knows I am not being serious, but why do I do it? Because if I can say those words it means I look like I am not as absolutely crazy about my job as I really am. my boss knows I bloody love my job, trust me, I tell him all the time, which is why he allows me to make these jokes, but it's annoying me, like why can't I just be up front and like "Hey, I am so bloody lucky to have gotten a job straight out of university that I absolutely adore and never want to take for granted."? 

It's something about myself I have grown to really dislike. I feel like I hide my soft, sensitive and emotional side, my affectionate and caring and humane side to make it look like I am strong, unaffected by anything, no one could hurt me or have a major affect on me, but that's not true. I used to hate that side of me, the side of me that was sensitive and showed people I could be upset by their words and that being insulted or made fun of hurt my feelings, but now I hate that I have become some weird emotionless robot (okay, maybe not that dramatic), but I want to open that side of me back up again, but it's a little hard. I'm kind of scared of becoming too soft and looking too emotional and people using that against me or people seeing their words and actions can affect me, but I mean it's human. 

There's a song, a beautiful song by my queen Marina called Soft to be Strong and just like most of her songs, I truly connect with it. She sings about realising that the only way of truly showing your strength and being strong is to be soft, to be kind, to show people how you feel and let yourself be emotional and have emotions. She also sings about knowing how hard it can be to get to that point and there is a lot of fear in allowing yourself to be strong, but it's a beautiful song and it made me realise I need to be soft to be strong myself. I've started to really dislike part of myself that I can change, that is faux anyway, that is a cover up for what I am truly like, so why not just change it? I want to be soft, to show everyone in my life how much I truly appreciate them and how much they have helped me become a better person and to just allow my emotions to exist. If I want to cry then I'll cry, if someone upsets me I'll let them know I am upset, because keeping all of this locked in is really doing no good for me or anyone else. 

I don't want the world to turn me hard. I don't want to be someone that people see as emotionless or harsh. I am a good person, I am, but I need to be good to myself too. I want to one day have a daughter who will be happy to cry in front of me, who will know that the world is good and bad and that's okay. I want to be able to show my future children one day that nothing in the world matters but happiness and love, that everything else is a facade and that it's okay to be sad, to be scared, to feel lost or hurt or unsure, that it's how life is.

I said I'd use my blog like a diary, a place I can come and write a load of rubbish that might not mean much to others, but means a lot to me and this is my first attempt at that, and being soft, I guess. This is a bit of a brain dump, a little piece of writing to help me become the person I want to be, but if one person can relate to it, if one person can read this and think "yeah, I want to do the same" then to me, it makes me being over here sharing a major part of my life with the internet all worth it. As a society we have some how made it hard for people to admit to their flaws, to admit they want to change aspects of themselves, we see people admitting to not being okay or 100% happy 24/7 as a bad thing, I won't be part of that. This is me, admitting that I am flawed just like every other person in the world and that just like everyone else I want to better myself. Life is not an Instagram highlights reel, its real people doing real things and struggling with real problems. 

Wow, that was a lot lol, I'll probably do another blog post in 3 months, see you then. 

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