I'm Learning that it's Okay not to be Perfect

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

I'm Learning that it's Okay not to be Perfect
I'm scrolling down Twitter and I see blog posts being promoted "tips to stop overthinking", "how to stress less", "why you shouldn't let stress ruin your day" and it frustrates me. I'm an overthinker, I'm a stress head, it's who I've always been and I don't really think any of these posts will ever help me stress less. The intention is good, the content is great and perhaps it could help someone else, but for me, my stress is too deep-rooted, it's in my genes and it's who I have always been. For me, my overthinking, my stress head personality is not something that I think I can learn not to be, it's something I actively have to choose not to be and I am choosing not to be it anymore. I am tired of being this way, of constantly over thinking every little thing in life and being a constant pain in my own butt. 

This past year I have found myself being worse than usual. I started my masters degree and I've had my eyes set on distinction and have refused to let that go. I have stressed over every essay, cried in the lead up to hand in dates, I have over thought every single little element, made myself work non-stop to live up to my own expectations and it's gotten to the point where my dissertation is due in 3 weeks from now and I'm thinking "why have I done this?" I found myself unmotivated by dissertation and forcing my way through it for at least a month there because I had spent the past 11 months stressed and upset and working my butt off, it just became too much, I needed a break, but I couldn't take one if I wanted that distinction. The thing is, do I need distinction? Does it mean I have better job prospects? Does distinction affect my life in any way shape or form after I have received my diploma at graduation? The answer to all of the above is no. It's hard to accept that to accept that I've worked my butt off for well... nothing really, but it's true. People don't ask what you graduated with for jobs or in life, it's just something you can say and most people don't say what they graduated with anyway for fear of looking pompous. 

All I need is a 70 in my dissertation to get a distinction, but even thinking that send my head into a spin, I worry about how good my chapters are, is my spelling great, does it flow properly, have I justified my study and so on and so forth. It has gotten to the point where I dream about dissertation and I dream about failing, which I won't do because I mean even if I don't get that 70 then I'll still get a good enough grade for merit but I still worry, I stress out and over-think. It's how I have always been but seeing the extent of how much my over-thinking and stress has affected how I function on an everyday basis and my motivation towards doing the work I just have to remove myself from the situation, step back and realise enough is enough. I am fed up with being this way, of stressing myself out because that's what it is. There is no one breathing down my neck telling me I have to do this or be that, it's just me which makes it 1000x worse because I can stop it if I just stop over-thinking. 

But, that's hard to do. I hate when people tell me "just stop over-thinking" or "don't worry yourself too much" like thanks, suddenly I don't feel terrible anymore because Betty told me not to. It's hard but I realise that my obsession with being perfect, with doing everything perfectly is just not working anymore. When I was in school and that was all I had to do then it was okay, it was my main focus but now I have so much going on I have job interviews and my blog, I have my future to think about and bills to pay and a social life and suddenly being perfect at everything I do just isn't feasible, it also isn't worth the hassle. It's okay to not be perfect and get the best grades and the be the best at blogging and get the best response at interviews and I tell people this constantly but I just can't accept it myself. I want to change, I am actively going to force myself to stop stressing, to understand being perfect isn't the end goal in life and that isn't okay to not get everything exactly how you want it, that my best is good enough even if my best isn't THE BEST. 

This post is actually quite hard for me to let go of to post and let go live because I want to be perfect, I want it to look like I never struggle, I want to be that girl who does it all, but it's just not worth the stress. I want people to know we all struggle and we all find it hard to juggle everything in life and sometimes your best is good enough. 

So, what do you think? Is it hard to stop being an over-thinker, are you like me or are you sat thinking that I'm crazy?

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